Welcome to the first-half-of-2005 Archive! What you see here is all the columns I wrote, in the order I wrote them. I definitely hit a some key notes with a lot of people in this set, you could say I sparked a few controversies here and there.

2004 Archive
Individual Game Reviews
January 2004
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005

Every day in Letters to the Ed I read people who have no idea of what's going on, people who are angry for the sake of being angry, and people who just can't get enough of political scapegoats. And of course, those who believe that 40 people constitute a 'mass' protest.

I visited the Sarjeant Gallery twice this week, for the first time since I was made to go on an Intermediate School trip. Once as research for this article, and again to show Antz what I'd been talking about over lunch. I have to say again that I may not know art (I just played an artist on film), but I had mixed reactions to what I saw.

The first thing I noticed was an awful racket coming from an exhibit about animal testing. Featuring eerie taxidermy (like there's any other kind) and photos of creepy looking animals - except the Kiwi, which didn't seem to have anything abnormal about it. Prying a microphone from a dead rabbit I opted to recite the rules of Fight Club, having forgotten Tyler Durden's more appropriate speeches.

There was some excellent painting on display at various points, though some of it was hard to tell if it was intentional or accidental. I was a big fan of the Young Maori exhibit - there was a shimmering blue tropical sunset piece which was excellent, and while I wouldn't class novelty hoodies as art, they were cool also. The major exhibit featuring clay, china and sculptures made out of polystyrene meat trays was very interesting to me.

Then there was the main central room. What on Earth was going on in there? Blank canvases, four cotton bracelets arranged in an askew square, and repainted Big Bird & The Smurfs standing on an old can of Corned Beef all trying to pass themselves off as art. Someone please, email me and explain exactly how these things qualify as being art at all, let alone worthy of being displayed in a supposedly prestigious gallery!

People must be really hungry in Wanganui. "Indigo" has just opened up where the old Police Kiosk was in Majestic Square and looks to be quite a nifty place, with that "Auckland Waterfront" feel to it. The other half of Wanganui Security's new ominous building is going to be a café and I'm not sure how valid this is, but apparently there's a plan for another restaurant up at Queen's Park. If it's true, I don't understand it. Surely Indigo would be close enough to qualify as part of that same area, and it definitely looks big enough to handle a crowd.

Well, I've gotta go for this week. There's a knock at my door - better not be the mutants...

The Chronicles of Critic (Part 2)

I've come to two conclusions, if not more. Number one - I know far too many artists. These people that I know, whether they're artists by profession or hobby, are all great people who I am for the most part proud to know. The problem is, they have these friends and colleagues and collectively, the arts world is one which I despise. Together somehow the air rises that the arts are far more important than any other facet of a community, and that it is imperative that the entire community support whatever grand scheme they come up with.

Did you hear? There was a protest the likes of which Wanganui had never seen before recently. Forty people, count 'em FORTY massed outside the Sarjeant gallery to tell Michael Laws where to stick it. That's really an unbelievably high number, right? Much higher than the hundreds of high school students who protested against teacher striking in 2002. These forty artists and sympathisers left a far greater mark than the Motua Gardens protest of '95, of course. Newsflash people: Laws was very vocal about his view on the arts for two years prior to the election. If the people of Wanganui really wanted a gallery extension, Laws would not be the Mayor. Come to think of it, I didn't really see any signs of talent in those protest cards. How about some creativity, vibrancy, colour? Effort?

My second conclusion, is that I'm in the wrong business. If I stood up with 39 friends and said that Wanganui needs computers more than anything in the world, and asked for millions of dollars to come from ratepayers to upgrade the telecommunications systems to provide everyone with high speed internet, I sure as hell wouldn't get anywhere near as much media blitz as the artists have. And yet, more people would benefit from my idea. How many people actually go to the gallery? Why should we? I've been there, and there was some extremely questionable stuff being passed off as art. How about instead of just sticking your hand out, be holding something in it that justifies wanting it to be filled with cash?

Computers of course isn't the only business I'm in. I get $40 gross per week for my column. I'm definitely not complaining, I love getting paid for doing something I love. On the other hand, I have different fingers - and I'm not fetching hundreds or thousands of dollars for each 'piece' which I create. I went through a ‘private’ gallery which had a stack of paintings for sale and what I saw was, to me, a lot of panhandling for crap. The only piece that I actually liked turned out to be the cheapest there - $850. Ouch, to say the least.

I’d like to thank everyone who has been emailing me with such positive feedback. It’s both reassuring and fun, and I’m getting to converse with interesting people I wouldn’t know otherwise. Keep it up!

As I write this, I've only just been made aware of the next big council-youth meeting. I did ask them to let me know any details in advance, but instead I have to read about it in the paper on the day of the meeting. So maybe next week I'll have something to talk about there, here's hoping.

Concert @ Cooks this year was a bit of a flop, apparently. I wouldn't know, since I didn't go. Partly because of the ever increasing ticket price. Partly because for all the advertising that it got on the Whatever page, a start time was never mentioned. Partly because despite the large number of bands, I only know one song amongst their combined creations. Partly because I don't have access to a corporate box any more.

The organisers thought the low turn out might have something to do with bad timing since the Big Day Out and Parachute were both very recent. These two events aren't exactly random occurrences, they both run at the same time each year, whereas the Concert @ Cooks usually runs in February. So this isn't so much bad timing as it is bad planning. Looking past the obvious numbers increase when you move an event away from other events, if people are back at school, this event gets 'buzz'. People actually talk to each other, discuss going to the event far more than when they're all separated and on holiday.

Maybe the establishment of a Youth Council will be able to make this simple sense and apply it to future projects.

In other news, the subject of the Rate Payer's Referendum has changed from extending an Art Gallery to improving the standard of our drinking water. The sense of perspective should smack you right in the face with this one. Seriously, what would you rather have - a bigger Art Gallery, or better water to drink and wash with? Water, along with food and air, is one of the fundamental things necessary for our continued survival. The better the water, the better our lives, it's that simple. Extending the gallery has never been said to attract better art, just more. Oh, plus yet another café and a gift shop. Art, of course along with water, food and air is one of the fundamental… wait, no it's not.

I know I don't drink water from the tap, it's terrible. This newly proposed initiative to improve the water claims to cost less than getting spring water delivered each week, so I'm not sure how anyone can be opposed to it.

See you next week, same time same channel.

Of projects and accomplishments

There's a chance, albeit a slim one, that I'll get all my work done this year. You might not think it unless you know me really well, but I have a lot that I'm looking to accomplish. I start back at Ucol next week, and it's going to be interesting. With the reduced format of the course, and all the usual timetable issues, 'challenging' seems to be a fitting term.

So I went to that Youth meeting last week, and it was great. There was a greater turnout than the organisers expected, and from what I understand there would have been a lot more from WHS if the principal had not mistaken it for an exclusive sort of meeting to which only his esteemed representatives could attend. Everyone there was switched on and were on the right track for making a Youth Council a viable and productive avenue.

The meeting itself was a little slow on the uptake, and we ended up going half an hour over the planned time with still more on our minds. So we agreed to meet again next week to push this project as fast and hard as possible. Here's hoping it all works out, because I have some grand ideas gestating.

The letters from SOS are still flooding in, and I don't know why. The Gallery Extension is not going to happen, nor is a budget cut in the area. The Sarjeant isn't in trouble, what's the point of a group dedicated to saving it? If Marvel's New York was free of crime, Spider-Man, the Fantastic 4, and countless others would not still be dedicated to fighting crime in NY. They'd use their talents to help people in other ways. What I'd love to see in full force is the SOS members pooling their collective talents (in many areas, not just art), and making something, whether it be a work or a project, that Wanganui can be proud of. Somehow I don't think trash talking the Mayor every day is the peak of their productive capabilities.

One of the main things we discussed at the Youth meeting was that there aren't enough opportunities out there for young people with skills and potential. I know there are plenty of young artists, writers and other creative types in town who have no outlet or direction. Hell, I wouldn't mind getting some expert guidance for film production myself. How about working together towards a program or organisation that can help young talent succeed in their respective fields? This goes for everyone who could possibly help out.

And to all the young people out there, make yourselves heard. It's the only way that people are going to know exactly what you need. Together, I think we can accomplish things, get some work done.

An insight

A wise man probably once said "for every splish, there is a splash". If not, instead of taking it as a philosophical reference, take it as a joke. One of the main concerns I've had (and I'm sure it's common) is the question of whether, now that I have a public voice, is it being heard? These days I'm fairly secure in that area. The more people I meet, it seems the more people have heard of me or read my columns.

I've had some fun feedback lately. Imagine checking your e-mail in the morning, and it being like turning to the "Your Opinion" page of The Chronicle, only it's all about you. You have to hope that you read the negatives first, and end up with a positive note before you get on with the rest of your day. I do reply to everyone, giving them equal attention no matter what they have to say, and welcome all feedback.

I used to be a big fan of studying the media - analysing the language people use, and reading between lines in order to see exactly what everyone's "angle" is. I love that now I can apply the very same techniques to a part of my life, as I've become part of the media. For example, I had some SOS members mistake me for a hard-hitting journalist out to swerve the public with my 'campaign of spin'. You might recall me comparing them to superheroes last week. I am dreadfully sorry for misleading the public - as far as I know, none of them can do whatever a spider can, or were hit by cosmic rays.

The thing to remember is, that I'm not out to defame or vilify anyone, I just call things like I see them and if anyone wants to misinterpret me or take things personally, that's their predisposition. A hot question lately has been "Are you looking to pursue this line of work for a career?", apparently a lot of people like my style. I'm a columnist, and at this stage of my life it's my ideal job. I have a great deal of creative control, work from home, and get to converse with a wide range of people I'd not normally meet. I'm here to have fun, and do what I can to help out my fellow youth.

The next Youth Summit meeting is on the 22nd, same times and place - 4pm and 7pm, Youth Services Trust, 31 Taupo Quay. It's not just about forming a Youth Council, it's looking to address all major concerns and tackle them in the most effective ways possible. If you have an interest in youth issues, come on down - it's a really positive project which shows a lot of promise.

Next week I plan to make a strong reference to my debut 'From the Morg' article, so if you want to get the full impact of what I'll be saying, check it out on the ICE website.

Out of the box

Back in August when I first started my column, in my room sat a brand new, unused fan/heater. On top of it sat a letter which confirmed a meeting between council officials and the ICEntertainment crew to discuss "Community Outcomes". I compared the aforementioned fan/heater to the council officials we met with, saying that neither had done much of anything besides sit around. Soon to follow would be Rosemary Hovey catching up with me, the local body elections, and… damned if I know what happened next, aside from a few violent crimes most of the local news has been obscured by a torrent of arts debate.

Six months later, I can say that the fan is now in use. I ended up attending both sessions of the latest Youth Summit, and with the weather being so hot, and the venue being under-ventilated I thought ahead and decided to bring the fan with me. There, for the first time, I tore the "Sold" tape, opened up its box and plugged it in for the benefit of all. For the 7pm session I also bought a 24 pack of Coca-Cola variety cans, announcing "Free drinks, from the Morg". When I explained the joke, it was met with a very appropriate pun-induced groan.

I'm loving these meetings, primarily because there's such a positive energy about them, and everyone there has fresh ideas, a sense of perspective, and commitment to seeing real change for the better. There were a bunch of new faces to this round as well, which goes to show what a bit more exposure and word-of-mouth can do in a short time. We're moving into the next, more solid stage of the initiative now. Everyone from the first four meetings (and of course anyone else who is interested and perhaps only just now hearing of it) will be meeting together at one place and time to decide exactly where we all want to go, whether it's forming a Youth Council and/or multiple committees for various facets, etc.

Personally, I'm very interested in the Entertainment aspect of things. How many people knew there was a free concert and BBQ at Majestic Square last Friday night? I didn't see you all there. Oddly enough, despite being held by Wanganui Ucol's Students Association I didn't hear about it until the day before (pretty much right after my deadline last week). It was a great gig, showcasing some talent I had no idea we had. This is the kind of thing that we need a lot more of, and a lot more exposure for.

The 'big event' is coming up on Thursday the 3rd of March, 4pm at the Avenue Hotel where we have a conference room booked. If you're looking to get into this at the ground level, now's the time. If you've ever staged a one-person protest begging to have more things for youth to do, now's the time to put your actions where your sign is. Let's get this moving!

It's time for a new feature here on From the Morg - "Who Asked for It?"! Contestant number one has been slowly building in the background for a few years now, crushing a truly unique building with a gigantic vision in mind. Please welcome...
Pak 'n' Save!

I have to assume that just about everyone has either seen the artist's render of the final proposed site, or passed by the site and seen what's going on at the moment. Take a good look, this whole complex is going to be El Gigante. It seems to me that it's going to be far bigger than Wanganui needs. I just don't see how they ever expect that the facilities they're building will ever be full up at any given time. Huge supermarket, huge parking lot, plus a petrol station to boot. Like we don't have enough of those in the immediate vicinity.

Seriously, Gull's at the very top of the ave. Caltex 'relocated' to Challenge only a block or two away. BP is in between. Are we as citizens so starved for option that another station is required? I've never seen any massive queues at any of the existing stations that would lead me to believe the demand is there. Maybe they're ramping up for their own reality TV show of the kind before they were staged - "Gas Station Neighbours from Hell 5". Yeah, that must be it.

Wanganui competitive businesses just love being close to each other. Blockbuster and Video Ezy, Noel Leeming and Harvey Norman, McDonalds and Burger King, DEKA and Farmers back in the day… Now the mentality seems to be that if you're a Supermarket, there's only one place to be - the top o' the ave. I've even heard rumour that Countdown is set to move out of Trafalgar Square and join Woolworths in some capacity. I can only hope it's untrue, because it would be pure idiocy at its finest. Without Countdown at TSquare, that would eliminate a lot of patronage to the rest of the mall. Plus I'd hate to live up on Durie Hill again if I had to walk/taxi my groceries from the other end of town. Being in a location otherwise unpopulated by supermarkets is a big advantage, there's no need to follow the crowd.

Contestant number two has been asked about in the Letters to the Editor, please welcome Replacement Trees along Halswell Street! I have to wonder if those who want more trees actually live in the street, as I do. Sure, they look nice, but driving down the street in summer can be a rapidly blinding affair as the gaps in foliage let in blasts of contrasting light. Add the torrent of dead leaves that floods the neighbourhood in Autumn, and you get my vote for not replacing any trees that fall here.

This is your host Morgs saying "Join us again next week, when we return to our regular programming".

Of Proposals, mainly

Productivity. It's the difference between complaining and actually doing something about the issue at hand. We have practical ideas, our priorities straight, and we're all on the same page. I'm talking of course about the group tentatively known as the possible future Youth Council. In case there's any doubt, we're also working on a much better name for ourselves.

It's a great feeling, to be a part of such a positive movement and we're only just getting started. With proper weekly meetings being held at the Youth Services Trust every Monday at 5pm, a reasonably broad representation of youth as well as the much welcomed assistance of Yadana, Rob, Cr Sue Pepperell and Rosemary Hovey, it's all coming together nicely. We'll be submitting our draft proposal to the Community Development Committee on Thursday the 17th, so come along to the District Council building to show your support.

In other news, the Sarjeant Gallery extension is back on the referendum, much to the disdain of the "Save Our Sarjeant" group. Now to be fair I haven't talked to any of their members directly about this specific issue, but unless they've been horribly misquoted on several front pages and the 'Your opinion' section every day for the past many months then I think I can speak on this.

When you don't think the mission you're supporting will be backed by the public, shouldn't that be a sign? If I said "I would like three more Burger Kings on Victoria Ave", straight away you know it's going to be unpopular. But I'm sure I could get 40 people to hold up poorly made signs outside of BK in support of my cause. If we managed to make a splash, I'm sure the Mayor would call us crazy, and we could call him unprofessional for not hearing us out. So he takes us up on it. He says "Let's let the people of Wanganui decide", and we reply "Oh gosh no, what do the people of Wanganui know of the need for more BKs? They'll all vote against it. We've been poorly portrayed in the media..."

Wake up, back to reality. If the SOS have been poorly portrayed in the media, it's mostly their own doing. Not a day goes by that they're not putting their 2cents in, and then some. They've had more than enough opportunity to get their points across, and if they believe that Wanganui citizens aren't qualified to decide what they spend their money on, something's wrong. To me, it seems that the SGE isn't for Wanganui at all, but for these 43 art enthusiasts and their wine-sipping friends. Indigo has Lamb's brains on the menu, I hate to think what the proposed Sarjeant Cafe would offer.

The Gallery itself has rotated its exhibitions, and the new works far more closely resemble art. No more blank canvases or Spider-Man action figures. At 4pm today I'll be going on a 'tour' with Matt Dutton of SOS fame, should be interesting.

The Ulti-Moe Clip Show!

I'm nervous, but by the time you read this, I won't be - the hard part will be over. Now, because I have a fair bit of preparation to do for this proposal to the Community Development Committee I'm going to take the quick way through this week's column. Never fear though, because you're in luck - this is the second 'new feature' to grace my section this month! I bring to you The Ulti-Moe Clip Show!

About a plane ticket typo: "Yeah, I'm on a new reality show where six lesbians vie for my affection. What they don't know, is that I'm really a man". Back in September, I had no idea I'd actually be mistaken for a young woman based on my writing style, but there's been at least two cases that I know of. Maybe I should have pitched my idea to TVNZ after all…

There's no exact quote for this, but I've often railed Burger King for the decline in quality of their BBQ burgers. This week I decided to tempt fate for the first time this year, and amazingly there was far more bacon than fat, and no rim of charcoal around the beef. Jolly good show!

"Alright, we need a sacrifice. You two, fight to the death - we'll sacrifice the winner". What would the Ulti-Moe Clip Show be without a quote from ICEntertainment's current project Everyone Stupid Dies? The screenplay for this zombie parody movie is coming along very nicely indeed, I can't wait to get into the next stage of production.

"The Gallery itself has rotated its exhibitions, and the new works far more closely resemble art". My tour of the Sarjeant Gallery with Matt Dutton went rather well I feel. I really liked the "Love this Place" collage if only for its inherent drawing power - more people will visit the gallery to see this piece in particular, it's that simple. What I wholeheartedly cannot support, is a washing machine and 300 boxes of Cold Power posing as art. "Abomination" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. The stench is going to linger for some time, and my good friend Jessie has said "I was a proud defender of out-of-this-world art, but detergent… that has just gone too far!". She is allergic to Cold Power though, take that as you will.

"Mayor Michael Laws has great visions of a Youth Summit, and a Youth Council. Nice ideas on paper, but how exactly he expects that he'll get enough people to show up is beyond me. Who knows, maybe these recent events will be what finally breaks the cycle of apathy." Back to the topic at hand, then. From what I've experienced first-hand, we're well on our way to breaking the cycle of apathy. We have a dedicated team solidified in the Wanganui Youth Collective, time will tell if the rest of the town are ready to move forward with us.

So it turns out I was nervous for a reason. The 'Whanganui Youth Collective' presented our draft proposal to the Community Development Committee, and we got ripped to shreds. We're not ready for this, and it showed big time. I can't think of a single thing we did right, and if we still want to continue it's going to be a lot of back to the drawing board. Still, the Councillors said things I don't agree with, and called me a Mexican Jew Lizard - maybe I should file an official complaint against them. Seems to be all the rage these days.

To ease the pain of public rejection, it's a good thing that it was my 20th birthday last Friday. I spent the whole weekend with friends eating pizza, playing games and laughing a lot. It was great to catch up with everybody, for sure.

Also of positive news, ICEntertainment is gearing up to start production on its latest concept - a series formatted for TV called "Pimp My Pants"! See, we at ICE don't feel that people's pants are quite pimped enough. Join us as our expert team solve this terrible dilemma the only way that makes sense - pick random people off the street and Pimp their Pants! Throw a series of oddball challenges in to the mix, and what you've got is a winning TV concept.

At this point, it's probably best for me to say "April Fools!". Back to reality, the proposal to the CDC went off without a hitch. Come to think of it, I might not have fooled that many people with that one, since there was a report about it the next day which quoted some of my fellow presenters. The councillors present were extremely helpful and supportive (certainly no racial slurs!) and we're all definitely looking forward to moving forward with both the formation of a Youth Council, and setting up an independent Events Committee. We're trying to get things happening around town as much as we can while official processes are chugging along. Apparently we might be in for a fight for funding, what with everyone else after a piece of a pie that was expected to be bigger.

Did you hear the Slippery Saddle isn't going to be a club any more? Tragic. Now I don't often go out clubbing, but it's a sad day when Wanganui's only option is a cramped space where other people's sweat rains down on you. I have to wonder, are clubs here declining because of lowering demand? If so, what's causing it - do the clubs lack so much quality that people just don't want to go anymore, are people drinking and dancing less, where the majority of regular patrons smokers who can't be stuffed walking outside to light up?

I bet here at the end of my column you're waiting for me to say that "Pimp My Pants" is another April Fools joke. It isn't. See you next week!

For those who were wondering...

Last week's April Fools bit went rather well. Everyone who was in the vicinity of me whilst reading my column stopped straight after the first paragraph and exclaimed "What?! They called you a 'Mexican Jew Lizard'?!". My mother was even ready to call up the council and tear into them, but I reminded her what date was on the paper, and she settled down. If the council did actually receive any calls of complaint regarding my farcical tale, I apologise.

I also was responsible for the game reviews last week - Resident Evil 4 just keeps getting more and more challenging as it goes on. My GameCube copy of TimeSplitters FP is on its way from Canada right now - apparently EA has given up entirely on the Cube in New Zealand. Not sure I can blame them, Monaco have done a terrible job of promoting the GC here.

The "Whanganui Youth Collective" are going to be very busy in coming weeks, with several meetings with councillors and hopefully the Mayor who weren't at our initial presentation. Cr Sue Westwood has also expressed interest in helping the Youth Council get properly underway. On top of that, we're hoping to make a formal press release next week and kick off a logo competition with some nice prizes up for grabs right here on the Whatever page. It's all very exciting, and there's a whole bunch of stuff I'm not able to reveal yet for various reasons.

I sat in shock and horror visiting Film Wanganui's website - the River City Film Festival for 2005 has been outright cancelled. No comment yet from them as to why, and I'm left wondering what happened to that substantial grant they got from Council not so long ago. Plus, with all the buzz of having the River Queen premiere here, you'd think that the team supposedly dedicated to promoting film in Wanganui would be more active than ever now. Of course, they did pull the plug on their idea for a film school here simply because they couldn't use Purnell House (which in my opinion was unsuitable anyway). It's always sad to see positive forces collapse, especially this one since I am eventually looking to get right in to film.

Speaking of films, I was super-excited about "Be Cool". It's been hard to miss the ads for it on TV. The sequel to "Get Shorty" with an ensemble cast of John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Danny DeVito, Vince Vaughn, Harvey Keitel, The Rock… but apparently I'll have to go elsewhere, as once again Embassy 3 is missing out on good movies and not caring. Fantastic.

The Media According to Morgs returns!

Welcome, to the return of an old favourite of mine: The Media According to Morgs!

McDonalds are all about healthy eating now. Their burgers are made from 100% pure beef, and I have to assume they mean that the 'pattie' part is what they're referring to, as I don't think the buns, cheese, lettuce, etc are pure beef. And of course now the fries are cooked in vegetable oil - what they serve you is vegetable oil with fries floating in it, tastes terrible. Give me whatever animal fat they used to be fried in any day.

I imagine that working in the marketing division for any hygiene or beauty product must be one of the easiest jobs in the world, alongside coming up with reality TV concepts. You sit at your desk waiting for the R&D team to come up with a new miracle ingredient which makes all competitors and their own previous work obsolete (even if that ingredient is Orange Juice!), and you have to promote it. So you open your drawer and there's the cover-all script, all you have to do is fill in the blanks.

Example: Shampoo ad. Start with a woman washing her hair in the shower. Zoom in to a computer graphic of how the shampoo works deep into your hair, while a voice-over talks about how the latest ingredient is proven or amazing, or some senseless jargon. Next thing you know, the woman is out of the shower, fully clothed, dry, had a professional makeover and is spinning her hair about, making sure that the studio lighting reflects off it like a wave. Gosh, that was a hard day's work, I think I'll take my 6 week vacation now.

It applies to everything in the 'genre'. The latest "Nivea for Men" ad has simply taken the theme of every hygiene product for men and just said it blatantly in 15 seconds. "You want the girl, but you've got oily skin, so you can't get the girl. Get Nivea for Men, get rid of the oily skin, and get the girl". Because of course we all know the only thing that ever stops a guy from getting a girl is oily skin. Problem solved, woohoo! It's like a beer ad saying "We're ignoring the negative side of alcohol, and if you buy our beer, hot women will have sex with you". I think I'll go ahead and trademark that phrase, I wouldn't put it past any of them to actually make that ad.

But enough about TV advertising. Feeling deprived of films after last week's news (still no word from Film Wanganui, either) I decided to get out and do some filming of my own. Having hit a stump writing-wise, I gathered a small crew and headed out into the night to do some 'concept scening' for Everyone Stupid Dies. All in the name of $0 budget fun, and you can check out the clips here.

It's 2pm, do you know where your car is?

I'd like to talk to you today about car security. "What? Car security, are you off your rocker? You don't even own a car!" Wow, critics are fast these days. Sneaky too, how'd they get in here? Moving on…

We all know someone who's had their car broken into, ransacked, pillaged or stolen. I know a guy who had one of his cars stolen and found it being taken apart by auto-wreckers within an hour. They wouldn't give him his car, unless he bought it back piece by piece. True story. Luckily it was really just a 'paddock racer' and broken down as it was, so it didn't matter all that much.

So what's the best way to make sure your car doesn't get violated? You could fork out for one of those infomercial alarms - the kind that slot into your tape player and are as loud as a jet engine inside your car! Provided of course that you have a tape player in your car, and the crook actually wants to steal it. Imagine it "ooh, this guy's got one of those new-fandangled cassette tape players! It's nickin' time!". Not really likely nowadays is it? Do they even sell cassettes any more? Okay, so for a second let's accept that while hotwiring your car, the thief accidentally bumps the alarm. Oh no - Jet Engine! Hmm, maybe they could just wear ear muffs, like airport mechanics do.

How about a more conventional alarm? One of those ones that no matter where you touch the car, it goes off. Sounds good to me. But then, people shuffling through a parking lot often bump into cars, and trigger the alarms. Have a think - how many times have you heard someone's alarm going off, and how many times have you checked it out to make sure someone's not stealing? If the answer is something like "lost count to zero", you'll see where I'm coming from.

People hear car alarms so often (and the bigger the city, the more often) that they don't usually take any notice. We immediately think "oh, a cat's jumped on to the neighbour's car again" or whatever other natural occurrence could cause it to go off. But, say if instead of a generic alarm signal like high pitched 'whoops', what if it played extremely loud music? That would at least get people calling noise control to check it out.

So what's the answer? You could get yourself a Bond-grade car, equipped with machine guns, rocket launchers, ejector seats for if they manage to get inside… But that's all moot when you have unbreakable windows and that 'background emulation' technology which makes your car nigh invisible. Of course, you'd want to park somewhere that no one else could, otherwise you're gonna end up with a nasty ding.

See you all next week, and I hope those of you who are on holiday are enjoying them. For now though…

Time to Split!

When times makes the difference

The funny thing about saying things a day or so before people hear them is the things that other people say which you don't hear until a day or so later. Case in point: I thought my column last week regarding car security was going to be somewhat irrelevant, but lo and behold, published right next to my column was a lucky prize winner who'd had his cellphone stolen from his car recently. So that worked out rather nicely.

Another example could be Superintendent Mark Lammas claiming in last Thursday's Chronicle that people had unreasonable expectations of the Police force. To me at least he looked a little silly when news rolled in from Commissioner Rob Robinson about a Police Pornography scandal. The gist of the situation is that a significant number of officers have been using public time and resources to send each other rude images, some of which were said to be disturbing to the point that if officers encountered similar things in the line of duty, they would be offered psychological assistance to deal with it.

Personally, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect police to live clean professional lives. Maybe I'm wrong here, it seems that a lot of my expectations for people who work in various 'service' areas are not met. You know, the usual sorts of things - competence, knowledge of product and service, willingness to help clients/customers… At least the police get most if not all of that right.

School and Ucol holidays are coming to a close, which is always a double-edge. I like having work, pressure all that lot because it keeps me busy. Then of course, I also very much appreciate the times of relaxation, hanging out with friends, and doing work more for myself than others. I've finally caught up with watching my DVD collection, as well as making my way through the entire works of Monty Python. TimeSplitters has been capturing a lot of my time game-wise still, so much so that I haven't booted up Resident Evil 4 to try and beat that evil boss (like there's any other kind).

I haven't been able to get my writing flowing well enough where ICEntertainment is concerned, I've just been adding little snippets and fixing up holes, which is all very nice I guess. I hope that you all have used your holidays in a way that best suits you. I'm about to step out to meet up with some of the WYC'D crew, should be a good one.

Time to Split!

You might remember last week I was talking about coincidental timing. How once you've said something, things often happen which might support or change what you've said. I mentioned the Police, and the week before that, I touched on security. How crazy is it that since then I've had two related events happen close by me?

Last Friday there was a brutal sexual assault which took place near my house. Unfortunately I was not awake at the time to be alert, so when the Police came knocking for info I had none. Luckily though, after a public appeal the offender was swiftly caught. Just the other night, someone tried to break into my neighbour's house but got scared off by a dog (and rightly so if you saw the dog!). It worries me that these things are happening in such a normally quiet area, but I am reassured that the force are so efficient in their work. Much better than I remember them being a few years ago, for sure.

I filled out my referendum form on Tuesday. I found it quite easy to distinguish many options that I didn't want from a handful I would support. Of course, the descriptions were all from a promotional perspective, in the way that poor entertainment reviewers just copy what the production company tells them no matter what it's really like. Like if I were to say "Don't go in to... The Village!". Although in this case the promotional slogan dually serves as a warning. I really don't recommend going to see The Village.

Anywho, back to the point - sometimes it's hard to read between the lines of this promo speak to figure out exactly what these plans are. For instance I very much liked the Waterfront-CBD collaboration, except I cannot possibly support the idea of reduced traffic along the riverside. Where exactly do they want the motorists to go? Weaving through the side streets off the Ave, everyone driving at 0-20k at all times? Yeah, I'd like to see some full plans on this one.

There's been talk that lobby groups will dominate voting. Welcome to democracy, where the majority has its say! I honestly don't know why this is making headlines. Lobby groups can try to convince whoever they want, but really how many people are they going to influence that had no intention of voting for their causes in the first place? If anything, it's just raising awareness, and the methods used will determine any undecided opinions. For example, the Splash Centre folk smile on the front page asking for community support, while the SOS group act like rejected kids basically saying "We don't even want to be in this stupid poll". Guess whose cause I went for, despite going to the Gallery more times this year than I've gone swimming in the past seven.

On lighter notes, it’s my Nana’s birthday, and my dad just emailed me to inform me that I have another nephew!

I drink, therefore I am

The drinking age. Hot topic, as is any law which involves exclusion by age - driver licensing, age of consent, voting, military service... they're all up there. So now that a bill has surfaced suggesting that the drinking age go up to 20, it's got people talking.

Firstly, I'm 20 now so it's going to be an effort on my part to try and be unbiased in the matter. Call it wisdom or a case of 'doesn't concern me, do whatever', but most people above 20 would not mind seeing the age raised up. I've heard "sweet, I'm 20 I can still drink, doesn't bother me" from plenty of people, and also a lot of good arguments for why 18-20s shouldn't be allowed to drink legally.

No matter what, when people first encounter alcohol they either manage to keep themselves within a reasonable limit, or they go totally off the chain. It doesn't matter what age, or if it's legal for them. From there, it seems that at least for a few years if they started heavy they'll stay heavy. You hear often enough about the ones who go out and kill people on the roads, or destroy property - but then, Video Games and pretty much any new music movement are also related to such incidents, supposedly.

The truth is what you hear about is a minority. Yes, alcohol can definitely be an attributing factor to the road toll, it impairs your ability to judge distances, slows your timing... I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. What pains me is seeing the masses that drink and cause themselves harm. I don't mean liver disease, or physical self-abuse, but simply going out weekend after weekend (or night after night), drinking themselves into a stupor, and actively doing things they know they'll regret when they catch up with reality. So of course the 'logical' thing to do is to make sure that reality check is as far away as possible. It's a vicious cycle.

As far as I'm concerned, 18 is prime time to get into a rotating blender of depression fuelled by alcohol, and the easier it is to get into that, the worse off one is. I'm not saying that all 18 year olds who drink are caught up in a tragic spiral, I know a lot of people who started drinking earlier than that and lead fine lives and people who generally don't drink that have been through terrible states.

I'm aware that no matter what the age is, people younger than it who are driven to drink will find a way. I find it sad to see 14 year olds hanging around town on weekend nights begging for people to buy them booze, and I'll tell ya when I was 14 and the drinking age was 21, this didn't happen. Food for thought.

What's your stance? I'd love to hear my readers' opinions on the issue, please email me.

Live from the Beehive!

As I write this, I'm sitting on the steps of Parliament, which is easily the nicest place I've worked on my column thus far - ordinarily I'll just be sitting at home or the Ucol library.

What on Earth am I doing here, you may well ask. It was sort of a spur-of-the-moment decision, but I'm here primarily to witness political activism, oddly enough. A friend of mine and fellow ICE Team member Robin Thomsen is running for MP in the Hamilton East electorate under the banner of LibertariaNZ. I was talking to him on the net on Tuesday night and he told me about how he has organised a small and hopefully entertaining demonstration at the Beehive on budget day. He asked if I'd like to come along for the ride, and I was all for it.

Before I go on I should explain (for people who are inclined to jump to conclusions) that I am here as a columnist, not an activist. I've already had to explain myself more than my liking during my brief time here, and even found someone who just won't listen. Upon Arriving here on Wednesday night, it was time to poster the town. I tagged along wearing the New Zealand flag as a cape while the Libz stuck up a bunch of photosopped "Wanted" posters with Dr. Michael Cullen as a highwayman, wanted for stealing $50 billion (grand, grand, grand theft).

The idea behind it all is that tax is theft. They believe that the sums of money taken in by the Government are squandered, and that people would be better off being able to decide where their money goes from a personal level. This alone provides a window for longwinded debate, but I won't comment either way.

The protest itself is quite interesting. It's a small group of abut ten or so, which allows them to both get an okay sounding chant out, and have a good chat to all the intrigued public that come along. Donning masks of PM Helen Clark and Finance Minister Dr. Michael Cullen, Robin and party leader Bernard Darnton ask passers-by if they've paid their taxes, pointing water pistols and saying "more is never enough!". There was an Intermediate School troupe who showed up for a tour, and when they saw me with my camera they figured I must be working for TV. I kept up the rouse for a while, much like the security guard who claimed the kids were too dangerous to national security to let in. Bang on 2 o'clock, a group of about five students ran up and basically stole the Libz idea - masks and acting out scenes of crime against citizens. The funny thing for me sitting across the courtyard from this, is the Liba want to abolish state welfare, and this other group is begging for more.

So has this experience changed me? It's been fun, but I'm still politically neutral.

People are still nuts

I'd been out of the loop for the week, but caught up on the papers today. It seems that nothing has changed, apart from a few people being a bit more deranged. It seems that there's just no stopping those who wish to dominate their will upon every other living soul. Well, it's not like most of them are actually making any progress whatsoever, so I guess what I mean to say is there's no stopping them from their own insanities. I got spammed by a reader asking me to join his 'sms' network - I'm always up for a real chat over e-mail, but my cell phone number is off-limits, sorry.

I heard through the grapevine that Ross Mitchell-Anyon got furious about my letter to the editor a couple of weeks ago regarding his demands that today's councillors do something he never bothered with. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bring a smile to my face. Now he's setting out to burn voting papers and seems like he's just itching to kill cats. It's notions like these that leave me wondering how he was ever elected in the first place. Cats kill seabirds he says. Seabirds kill fish, and last time I checked fish levels were an important issue. My mate Rob keeps an aquatic pet which when fully grown can eat whole cats - I guess the cycle continues.

I briefly mentioned last week how being neutral affords some great insight. As someone without a religious label, I find it almost offensive that some Christians are always assuming that the whole of society should conform to their beliefs. Someone wants the KJV Bible to be the only version in existence, infringing on the freedom of splinter religions to practise as they see fit. I agree that the splintering is laughable in its origins - people who want to be recognised as Christian, but don't want to adhere to all the rules. But really, a lot of the rules are pathetic and outdated.

Popular practise is to quote passages. These pieces are supposed to guide us all in divine wisdom. Of course no one ever mentions passages from say, Deuteronomy, where stoning just about anyone to death is approved by God. If the Bible was in fact law, the death penalty would be applicable to any woman who is not a virgin on her wedding night, or anyone of an 'unfamiliar religion'. Don't get me started on approval and strategy for war, slavery, rape...

I think the key element is people who want all 'sins' declared as crime. Abortion is apparently the tool of the devil, and must be outlawed! I can't agree with that at all. It's all fine and good if you personally don't want an abortion, and fine if you agree to belong to a group which does not condone it. When you try to cross that border and deprive other people of choice and freedom, there's something wrong with your thinking.

“Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate” – Monty Python on Catholicism, and it’s certainly ringing true right now. I’ll freely admit that the “No rubba no Hubba” ad campaign is a bad one, but not for any of the reasons brought about to public media thus far. The song is annoying, the lyrics outdated and pathetic, and there’s something of a cultural bias present. The idea behind the campaign, promoting safer sex, is not bad in itself.

Rev Rhys Pearson claims that if parachutes had even a 1% failure rate, he would not let his children parachute. They’re taking their lives in their hands! Cars are not 100% safe and every time you step into a car you’re taking your life in your hands. So by the logic of Rev Pearson, people should abstain from ever stepping into a car until they have their very own fully paid and insured, and only drive it at slow speeds within their household section. Something tells me there are far more road injuries in New Zealand than STIs. The very thought of avoiding all safety measures simply because they can’t offer total 100% safety is absurd. Why, by typing this very column I could be causing myself OOS, arthritis, back pains, headaches… but I’m not going to stop simply because there’s a slight chance of bad things happening. That’s life, risk and reward. Abstinence is a very personal choice and should be just that – personal, not dictated by any body religious or otherwise.

Whanganui Youth Collect’D finally get to meet with Mayor Laws next week, after a long road of trying to establish a Youth Council without any real communication with the District Council outside of that Community Committee meeting 11 weeks ago. We’ve done plenty of self-organisation, sorted out general policies, strategies, etc but there’s only so far we can go on our own if we want it to be ratified by the WDC. So this meeting should be good to express our motives from this point, and hear what the Mayor has to say about it all – seeing as it was apparently his idea to begin with. We’ll also be presenting a more developed formal proposal to the next Community Committee meeting next Thursday. It’s amazing just how far we’ve come since February, and we couldn’t have done it without the help of our fantastic facilitator Yadana Saw, who sadly has had to leave us in order to complete her studies in Christchurch. Cr Sue Pepperell has taken over the role at this point, so we should be right on track as she had a strong connection with the group during its inception.

It’s all very exciting, and as always I hope that after these events I can report back with great news. Also, remember our Logo Competition is still open until the 10th of June with a stack of great prizes.

Transmorgrifications

Recently, it was said that I write like a “transmorgrified version of our Mayor”. To transmogrify is to change or modify something into a new form, especially a fantastic or bizarre one. Of course, this word offers a nice opportunity to slip my name in for something of a far-fetched pun. I would have been a little impressed (I do enjoy a good play on words), if the Gypsy Juggler Michael Lundon hadn’t already come up with it five years ago.

Flashback – February 2003, I was working the graveyard shift at a service station (now abandoned) on Sunday nights and oddly enough there would be a quiet period around the time that the Monday edition Chronicles got delivered. I hadn’t been much of a newspaper reader but I started reading during my break, and of course came upon Michael Laws’ column. After I’d read a few of them, something struck me – this Laws guy has a very similar writing style to me! I’d dabbled in a bit of columnism in 2002 with The Media According to Morgs, and sitting there in my crummy job and hideous uniform I thought to myself “that’s where I’d like to be, I wonder if style alone would be enough without the sort of high profile he’s got”.

Nowadays I’ve got myself a column in the Chronicle, and he’s the Mayor. Quite the upgrade on both counts, really.

Whanganui Youth CollecteD finally met with Michael Laws this past Monday. We let him know everything we’d been up to since we started four months ago – how WYC’D evolved, our ultimate goals as a group. The things we’re organising - the logo competition (entries close today!), a ‘launch’ event, and of course the nuts and bolts of our proposal to establish a Youth Council. The Mayor was impressed by our energy and commitment, and told us it was basically all go from here. Our initial goals will be a reality; it’s just a matter of time. And by that I don’t mean it’s going to be a long, drawn-out process - things will happen as fast as they’re able. By the time you read this, I’ll have gone to another Community Committee meeting in order to inform them about the WYC’D / Youth Council preparation updates from the last 12 weeks. At the start of next month, we should be meeting with the full Council with our finalised proposal to get the Youth Council started officially at the start of next year, with an interim team until then. It’s good news all round, just as I’d hoped for last week.

When there's nothing else you can do, laugh.

Democracy is a funny thing. Of course all politics are, really. Trust me, while a lot of it is dreadfully boring sometimes you just can’t help but be entertained. Think about it – politicians are all effectively after a slice of say in how people can live their lives. So when these people who are ideally supposed to be role models make mistakes with people’s livelihoods, that’s entertainment. When Winston Peters opens his mouth, that’s entertainment. When there’s nothing else you can do, laugh.

Then there’s the local scale, with the “one ring circus of nutters”. If the whole situation doesn’t just scream out hilarious, maybe I need to get back to watching comedy films before I continue writing Everyone Stupid Dies. The complainants took offence to things that Michael Laws said while they were throwing far worse slander (and plenty of libel) back at him. Disgruntled that the public took no interest in the Sarjeant Gallery extension proposal, I imagine they figured they could waste some council time and public money by taking a frivilous fight directly to the Mayor himself.

The Code of Conduct hearing took place, and largely the complaints were not backed by sufficient evidence. Carol Webb was reported to have walked out claiming she didn’t have to listen to Mr. Laws reiterating the sentiments he was called in for to begin with. I can’t say I’m surprised – from her many letters to papers across the country, it’s clear she’s an overly angry person who’ll get riled up at just about anything. I’ve nothing against her personally, but I couldn’t help but smile at what seems like a rather petty tantrum. Although apparently I’m not real, along with anyone else who doesn’t agree with her. It must be fun to live in a box made of reverse-tinted windows.

Matt Dutton claims that politicians have to cater for the people who choose not to vote. Interesting theory, that. “I’m not going to tell you what I want, but you’re going to have to give it to me anyway”. Something doesn’t quite fit there. I am aware that Matt himself is submitting a proposal to the Annual Plan, but that doesn’t cover the rest of the 40% of the population he chose to speak for in his original claims.

I mentioned last week that I used to work the graveyard shift at a now derelict service station and hated it. The other day, I decided to make good on a promise I’d made – the gate was open to the lot, so I walked on in… And danced on it’s grave! It felt great, let me tell you. I should say something nice about the place (you know, in its honour), and with Political Correctness at the forefront of international politics right now I’ll say that the station I worked at was completely undiscriminatory. My co-workers and I were practically a cross-section of New Zealand, I always thought that was pretty cool.

Supernatural

This story deals with supernatural goings-on of both the fictional and real kinds, and by that I mean it’s all the fictional kind, but some of it’s real depending on who you ask.

As I write this, I’m wearing a T-shirt with a large skull on it, and listening to Disturbed – Down with the Sickness. That paints an image in your mind of the type of person I am, and it couldn’t be further from what I’m really like. I’m no Goth; I’m too much of a comedian for that. As you may be aware, in my spare time I’m writing a zombie parody film entitled “Everyone Stupid Dies”. In it, I play the villain who is responsible for unleashing the undead. Why? Because playing the villain is more fun. And if I were to only play heroes then all those years of practising a great evil laugh would go to waste.

However, according to Bishop Brian Tamaki (www.bishoptamaki.org.nz), I’m a modern day Witch. And what’s more, he’s headed this way on his “A Nation Under Siege” tour.

It’s guys like him who give a lot of good people a bad name. He says that he has suffered the slings of media witchcraft, that things widely portrayed about him are false and misleading. Frankly, I think a lot of what I’ve read about him paints a nicer image than the things that come from his own mouth. Direct quote on the media itself – “they are not Christian friendly either”. Nice way to generalise there. I’m sure there are many Christians working in and for the media at all levels, are they not friendly to themselves? I’m not Christian myself but I’m friendly to people of faith. It’s radicals that I’m not particularly kind to. If I am a Witch, should I be burned at the stake? That’s the vibe I’m getting.

Apparently, the idea that no one religion can proclaim itself as true and all others false, this idea is dangerous. Dangerous to who? Certainly not to society as a whole, and not to New Zealand with its diverse religious base. So that just leaves Bishop Tamaki himself, who as far as I’m concerned is a power-monger. A lot of people would proceed here to call Tamaki a Nazi, a modern day Hitler. To most people, it seems these are the only apt references to anyone showing a hint of oppression. Not me. Bishop Tamaki is nothing more than a prominent bigot. He has no right to discriminate the way he does, and he desperately seeks that right. I can only imagine that if he read The Crucible, he would exclaim “Wow, this Danforth guy’s got the right attitude!”. I say imagine, because I somehow doubt he would set foot near a book which might challenge his thinking if he’s not careful.